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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  June 28, 2012 1:00am-1:35am PDT

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♪ for better or worse - ♪ better or worse - ♪ till death do us part - ♪ death do us part - ♪ i'll love you with ♪ both: ♪ every gay beat of my heart ♪ - ♪ i swear, kyle - i swear, kyle. [cheers and applause] - where are you going? - that fat turd up there is the one who set up you and token 'cause he's thinks blacks belong together! - he did that? oh, no. [cheers and applause] - thank you. thank you all. that's all i wanted to say. that, and... the batmobile's outside. seriously, you guys gotta see it! it's the batmobile! it's outside! - what? [overlapping chatter] - token! hey. - hi. - token, i'm so sorry. i thought you were only with me because i'm black. - i'm sorry too. i wouldn't even talk to you at first because you were black.
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both: do you think we could-- do you still want to-- - maybe we can give it another try? - there's still people who will look at us funny and think we're supposed to be together. - let them look. i don't care. - i don't care either. - i just think you're a great person. the color of your skin doesn't matter. - yay! - oh, my god. so cute. - tee hee hee! a place for everything and everything in its place. - that's right, cupid me. people who are the same belong together. - that's right, and i've found somebody who's just the same as you. - really? - there she is! - haah! - what? [bleep] you, cupid me! - tee hee hee! [bleep] you! - hey, stop it! - haah! - no! - ahh-ha-ha-haah!
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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is is the "daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon:ing two "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we've got a good show. our guest tonight, very exciting, andrew garfield, 20th president of the united states. and he looks amazing. listen, if you watched the show for the past couple of weeks you know i've talked a bit about governor cuomo in new york his plans to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. you would be permitted to carry up to 25 grams for personal use without getting arrested. to remind you, 25 grams is is-- it's snuff to fill this. it's enough to fill this-- i think we must have mice here
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because it was up to here, and there were, like, five bags of doritos around here. ( laughter ). and they're all-- that's fine. never mind, just to show you. let me just get that. so it's-- by the way, i don't know if you can tell, this is labeled so that i know. ( laughter ). anyway, so i just want to refill it up to show you what would be legal, you know. >> governor cuomo today confirming his proposal to decriminalize small amountof marijuana is dead. so it went up in smoke following opposition in the republican-controlled state senate. >> ooooh! >> jon: would you excuse me just one second? ( laughter ) ( toilet flushing ) probably wondering why i have i toilet under there. ( laughter ). seeing as the show is 22 minutes
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long. ( laughter ). hey, man, i'm not superman. look, here's the crazy part-- this bill is dead in new york, but in new jersey, the state assembly voted monday to decriminalize 15 grams of pot, but their governor doesn't want to do it. >> governor chris christie says he's going to veto it. this is not something he is in support of. >> jon: you know what this means, people? we're a gov-swap away from making the garden state the ( bleep ) look at that garden state! ( laughter ) i don't think it would be too hard to get either one of these guys to touch a skull, get drunk, and pee into a fountain and do the whole switch. what's the deal with vetoing it, chris christie? i thought you were cool, man. >> the federal government, whether you agree or disagree, still says marijuana is an illegal drug. i don't think the state should be in the business of undercutting the federal government on that policy. >> jon: as much as i disagree, i don't think marijuana should be illegal, but it is illegal on the federal
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level. governor christie is a former prosecutor, a man of conviction. >> he intend to go forward. if someone wants to stop us, they'll have to take action to try to stop us. >> jon: what the ( bleep )! wait! how did governor-- guys stop smoking pot, it's against the law-- go dirty harry on ignoring the federal ban on sports gambling. what's the difference between the two? >> i don't think any of us are of the illusion that betting on nfl games isn't happening every week in new jersey. ( laughter ). >> jon: okay. i have an idea. let's replace the phrase "betting on nfl games" with the phrase "getting high." ( laughter ) different how? >> that may have been a different feeling 30 or 40 years ago, but the fact is now gaming is everywhere. >> jon: let's replace the
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word "gaming" with the phrase "getting high." ( laughter ) still not seeing why challenging federal law for gambling is okay, challenging it for pot is not okay. >> let's have the people who benefit from it be the people the state of new jersey, not criminal organizations across new jersey, who are benefiting from it now. >> jon: okay, well let's replace-- ( laughter ) actually, you don't need to replace any words in that. ( laughter ) for it to be a justification to decriminalize marijuana. i know how to fix this. governor. sports betting and weed are not as different as you might think. clearly, gamin gaming is your t. that's cool. here's what i'd like you to do. why don't you just think of using marijuana as betting you're going to have a better day. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so you know, chris christie is hardly-- chris christie is
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hardly the only politician to figure out that marijuana can be hazardous to your career. wyatt cenac has more. >> the obama administration has made its views about the war on drugs exceptionally clear-- >> marijuana advocates accuse the obama administration of cracking down more on medical marijuana than george bush ever did. >> raids and other tactics have forced as many as 200 growers and distributors to cease operation. >> which is interesting considering a new biography that reveals details about obama's use. >> some of his buddies had the chew gang. which was basically basketball and smoking dope. >> obama was a stoner? surely this must outrage those who revere the author of the presidency, like doris kerns goodwin. >> a rebellious streak in a potential president is a very healthy thing, and especially something like the chume gang, which was fun and that's just fine. >> some have made the argument that this may seem hypocritical
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of the president. >> you're in a very different position once you're president versus a teenager who is enjoying a weed. >> armed with her insight i assembled a panel of young and not-so-young potential presidents, all boasting a healthy rebellious streaks but could they handle the day-to-day challenges a president must face. you're meeting with the leader of russia. how do you get him to assist with the conflict in syria? you know what? we'll switch that question. we'll skip it, that's fine. europe's economy is on the brink. how do you-- keith really, really? right now? >> all right. >> jon: no, it's not all right. i'm asking you questions! >> this one. >> you said one. put it down. >> how do you avoid a meltdown of the euro zone, keith? their economy is on the brink.
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>> uhm, vomit? you know what, eat your chips. just eat your ( bleep ) chips. i needed help so i brought in rob campia a washington political expert to groom some of these potential presidents. >> it's useful to pick one issue that overrides some of the other issues that you'll be running on. for instance, with obama, health care was his signature issue. >> panel, what would your signature issue be? >> i would probably throw a concert on the us what lawn. >> john? >> uhm... >> all right. ( laughter ). >> i'm going to tell you like this, there's three types of weed. you've got your sour, your. >> so your platform is there are three different kinds of weed. >> yes, yes, actually. >> is there anything that strikes as presidential about them. morgan has had some good ideas. rick? >> who the ( bleep ) is rick.
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>> rick! rick! rick! what the ( bleep ) are you doing? stop playing with the camera! get back to your seat, man. let's focus, guys. what are your thoughts about the conflict in afghanistan? >> i would just say why can't we just be friends? ( laughter ) >> no, don't sing. do not sing a song. >> that was a good song ♪ why can't we be friends why can't we be friends ♪ >> tonight sing a song, guys ♪ why can't we be friends ♪ >> i'll tell you why-- because you're all a bun of stoners! they were hopeless. you guys don't have what it takes to be president. you, though, seem ton what you're talking about. how about? >> my problem is i was arrested and put in jail for three months for growing marijuana and got two conspiracy charge because i had two roommates living with me. >> that's messed up. >> i have three felonies on my record now. >> hold on for whereon second.
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one second-- quick question, have any presidents ever been elected with a felony on their records? >> not they know of. >> this guy got busted and he now can't be president. >> well, it suction for this guy. he got caught. obama didn't. >> i gotta be honest-- it's not looking good for you to be president. >> yes, i know, even though obama and i did the same thing at the same age, the difference is that i actually spent three months in jail. >> so it sounds like what you're saying is when it comes to this issue, the president's not a kind bud. where did you go? guys? really? where are you? hello! ♪ why can't we be friends ♪ >> come on, guys! please. un what, none of you are going to be president. we're done. are we done? good ♪ why can't we be friends
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( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back. as you know, tomorrow the big day when the supreme court will decide whether obama's health
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care reform is constitutional or not. whether-- >> whooo! >> jon: whoo, indeed. whether the court rules for or against the law, one thing we know for sure-- >> thursday is shaping up to be a big news day. >> we're getting it, thursday is the day. >> all eyes are on this one. >> this massive court ruling. >> expected monumental ruling. >> is it okay i'm so excited about this? >> should we just skip wednesday and go straight for thursday? >> wednesday is totally wiped out. thursday is the only important day of the week. ( laughter ). >> jon: first things, congratulations. you both look extremely comfortable on those stools. ( laughter ). and, second, you're going to skip straight to thursday. gee, that sounds like the perfect use for the time machine you apparently have. i'm sorry, killing hitler will have to wait. ( laughter ) there's a supreme court opinion 24 hours away. i can't wait.
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so who cooked blame the media for being pumped. just think of the possibilities. >> this could be a win-win for the president. >> whatever happens it's a win-win for romney. >> a win is a win and a loss is a loss. >> a loss could be a gain. >> it's pretty unlikely the court will strike down the entire law. >> the court could decide to uphold or strike the entire law. >> it will be a 6-3 decision-- >> it is knocked down 7-2. >> i said 7-2, it could be 6-3, 8-1. >> will he join to make it six so it doesn't look like one of those 5-4 rulings in i don't know. >> jon: i don't know either. maybe the chief justice will kill the other four, or a just will be reanimated from the de dead. or one of the justices will be in a car crash and the others will say i can't rule on this
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justice, he's my son, because the justice is a woman. ha-ha! anything could happen. ( cheers and applause ) it's all so exciting! how will the court decide? for answers we go to senior judicial correspondent jessica williams outside the supreme court. jessica! wow! this is so exciting. it's like whoo! is there any indication how the justices are leaning tonight? >> leaning? i'm pretty sure they're horizontal, as in sleeping, because it's night time and that's what you do when you're not stuck outside of an empty-asis s building. don't worry, jon, we'll all know tomorrow morning. >> jon: exactly. is that definitive? what are your source saying? are they on the record? >> jon?" yeah. >> you need to calm the ( bleep ) down. we'll know in less than 12 hours. >> jon: there has to be advance work, what do the clerk says. or the white house? the place say sieve. are any of the justices on the kill list-- >> hold ojon, i am getting
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breaking news. chief justice roberts is announcing a 7-2 decision that you need to calm the ( bleep ) down. >> jon: so two of the justices agree with me, then. ( laughter ). just tell me this-- if they do overturn obamacare, who benefits the most, romney or obama? >> i don't know, jon! nobody knows. there's no way to answer that question without make up a bump of ( bleep ) up. >> jon: the ruling, the effects on the campaign will be meaningless, time-killing ( bleep )? >> yeah, duuh. >> jon: dough that, then. >> okay, fine. tomorrow obamacare will be overturned handing the election to mitt romney. >> jon: yes! that is totally speculative! i love this! >> and this ushering the thousand-yearling. >> jon: you are out on a
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limb. >> what will jesus say about the ruling? >> he will say as he said originally in the first sermon on the mountain, matthew 5:7. jon, calm the ( bleep ) down! ( cheers and applause ) dude! >> jon: thank you, jessica. >> you will know by tomorrow. >> jon: thank you,
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: my guest tonight. the amazing spider-man. >> all right. that was fun! what are you doing! whooo! >> jon: that would make an amazing musical.
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( laughter ). please welcome andrew garfield. ( cheers and applause ) hey. you, sir, you, sir-- >> no, you. >> jon: congratulations. >> on what? >> jon: on this whole thing you're doing, star-like. tell me about this "spider-man." >> this "spider-man" has been around 50 years, jon. >> jon: that's daunting, is it not? >> terrifying. >> jon: everyone knows spider-man, comic book fans are some of the most rabid fans. do you fear their wrath. do you enjoy their enthusiasm? what's been your experience? >> all of that. i went to comic-con last year and i was terrified and i wanted to make sure that they knew i was just one of them so i kind of appeared in the audience as a fan in, like, a crappy cost scourge tried to make them know that i was-- that i was just as
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kind of fanatical and i'll be the one in the theater shouting, "why do they call that british scum back as my favorite super hero? >> jon: really. you have a blog dedicated to hating andrew garfield? >> i should. that's a good idea. >> jon: i have to tell you, though, the suits they have now-- i'm old enough to remember the old super hero movies and george reeves and the tv show and the costume was, "look, i am in my underwear." this suit-- it is from the movie. this is you off set in the suit. you're getting lunch. >> yeah. ( laughter ). >> jon: but did you-- what is-- tell me about that suit. >> no, it's spandex, and it's hard to urinate. ( laughter ) and when you -- >> interesting that you bring that up. do we have that? there we go. ( laughter ). ( cheers ) that-- that is actually a still
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from-- i think somebody must have been taking the picture. ( laughter ) >> this is-- this is a picture, jon, that i took throughout with the still photographer. we had like, "a day in the life of spider-man man." >> jon: are you serious? >> i was so frustrated certain days in that suit i needed to do something stupid. we went around the sony lot. i think that's me taking a ( bleep ). >> jon: i don't know if we have the whole book. so just you go around-- >> there was one day. who wants to hear an actor complain about being spider-man? no wong right? but it sucks. spandex isn't fun. spandex is not fun. >> jon: but it is slimming. >> thank you very much. oh, my god, really. >> jon: thought you looked terrific in that. >> thank you, thank you. >> jon: superman may be the man of steel, but in that, you are buns of steel. you, i thought it was-- you said
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spider-man was your guy growing up? >> he was. i hate to admit it because it adds to theish and know how much it means and how much it means to a bush of skinny kids like me is there what was it about spider-man? when i was little superman was-- because superman seemed like-- everybody said to have the conversations, who would win in a fight between superman? and we were like superman. unless you have kryptonite. so spider-man always, another nice costume, has some webs but superman would beat the ( bleep ) out of that dude. don't you think? >> yeah, you make a solid point. i don't know where they come from. let's hope those two never feel the need to fight. ( laughter ). >> jon: or we just came up with the greatest movie of all time. ( laughter ) ( applause ) spider-man versus superman-- no,
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i-- because i used to love the origin myths, all those things. did you discover it through comic books or are you young enough that the movie was out when you were, like a kid. i was three when toby ma-- no, that would make me 12 now. no, the animated series was my first. >> jon: you were, like, 10 when the movie came out. >> i was 19. >> jon: when it came out? oh, let me just say this, ( bleep ) you. you young person you. that's nice. well, this is great. you know, it's nice to have somebody involved in it, that really does kind of revere the characters. i think you need that to some extent to carry it through. >> gray. it creates a healthy pressure, that knowledge, what it means. >> jon: and it's nice to-- spider-man has always had that-- he was bitten by a neurotic spired and it's nice to see you're carrying that tradition
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through. i'm really, really trying. >> jon: by the way, how did you pee in that thing? >> you have to escape it. you have to escape the thing. >> jon: so you have to have a penile houdini? ( laughter ) do you-- do you every time you pee, do you go ♪ ta-da ♪ the amazing spider-man it's in the theaters july 3. andrew garfield.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> financial expert dave ramsey says you need to get your own health c
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